How to Understand Your Desires | #4
A technique to understand how our actions relate to our deepest desires.
April 30, 2021 - Mazunte, Mexico
Last week1 I discussed an exercise in building your Life Story. It’s way for us to reflect deeply on our past.
This week I’ll dive a little deeper into what motivates us as humans. Combined with our Life Story, we can get a much better understanding of our behavior and emotional patterns.
1. What Do You Need?
One of my favorite things about traveling is observing the locals.
I look for subtle differences in our behavior and use those differences to become a better man myself.
This is possible with short-term travel, but the impact is far more profound when living abroad for an extended period.
From 2013 to 2020 I worked for Liberty Mutual. I spent years in each of Boston, Dublin, and Madrid. In each city, I worked out of the office.
The workplace is one of the most telling environments of any culture and I couldn’t help but notice some differences.
I remember one of my first days at the office in Madrid like it was yesterday.
I was walking through the hallway and I saw two of my coworkers collaborating. That was nothing out of the ordinary. Then I took another look.
She was sitting on his lap.
It really threw me off at first. That type of public intimacy was rare anywhere in Dublin, never mind at the office.
And yet, none of my Spanish colleagues batted an eye.
What drives these differences in behavior? We’re all human, aren’t we?
All behavior at its core is an attempt to satisfy some desire that we have.
To understand those desires better I took a deep dive into the most academically supported theories of human needs. Unfortunately, there is no one theory that is universally supported.
After considering more than 20 theories, I think our behavior can largely be explained by considering two different needs theories in tandem.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Arousal Theory of Motivation
1.1 Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs
Many of us are familiar with Maslow’s five stage Hierarchy of Needs.
Later in his career, he released additional versions of the hierarchy. The last contained 8 levels.
In addition to the eight levels, Maslow lays forth some qualifiers.
Deficiency Needs vs. Growth Needs: The hierarchy is split into deficiency needs and growth needs. Deficiency needs must be fulfilled before we can properly focus on growth needs.
We Are All the Same: Maslow makes no allowance for differences between groups of people. Regardless of culture, life experience, or general personality disposition, the needs we have are the same.
Maslow’s Hierarchy does a nice job of laying out the needs that humans really strive for in the long run. We all want strong relationships, to be fully comfortable in our own skin, and to achieve our full potential.
But are we really all the same?
Thinking back to the offices in Spain, the level of intimacy that was socially acceptable was far higher than in Ireland.
In fact, a certain level of intimacy was even necessary. Without it, it was hard to collaborate effectively.
Casual conversations about personal matters were commonplace and there was a larger sense of community amongst the team.
The cultures of Spain and Ireland had clearly worked to influence how the need for belonging manifested itself, and my colleagues behaved vastly differently as a result.
That’s one flaw I see in Maslow’s theory. Culture has a real impact on the strength of each need.
The second flaw I see relates to our short-term decisions.
We often behave in ways that are not directly aligned to the needs outlined by the hierarchy. Sometimes we just want to enjoy the moment.
Take listening to music. Or playing for the sake of playing.
We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. - George Bernard Shaw
This is where arousal theory comes in.
It helps to explain both differences amongst individuals and the perplexing disconnect between long term needs and short term actions.
1.2 Arousal Theory of Motivation
Arousal theory2 claims that we do things in order to keep our arousal level at equilibrium. Arousal is classified into 3 categories, including cognitive, physical, and emotional.
When our arousal is too low we partake in activities to increase it, such as socializing or surfing. When its too high we switch to activities to bring it down, such as reading a book or eating a meal at home.
There’s a key difference from Maslow’s hierarchy. Arousal theory states that everyone's equilibrium level of arousal is different.
This allows for differences in base personality, culture, and life experience.
Regardless of your equilibrium level, the Yerkes-Dodson Law3 stipulates that there is a particular optimum level of arousal.
Up to this level, additional stimuli increase arousal and performance. However, going past the optimum level results in over-stimulation, and performance deteriorates.
I myself require quite a bit of stimulation.
I seek new places and new people, and I exhibit adrenaline-seeking behavior.
Yet my equilibrium does not lie in the extreme. I take mornings to myself to meditate and write, and I absolutely need this time to maintain balance.
1.3 Maslow’s Aroused
Our actions are best explained by taking Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Arousal Theory together.
Maslow covers the major aspects to ensure long-term fulfillment.
But life is lived in the moment.
On a moment-to-moment basis, we are drawn keep our arousal level at equilibrium.
The catch is that the best course of action for long-term fulfillment doesn’t always align directly with what we need from an arousal perspective.
The key is finding a healthy balance between the two.
If we focus too much on fulfilling long-term needs instead of enjoying ourselves, life becomes too stressful.
On the other hand, if we never focus on our long-term needs we will have to pay the piper someday.
1.4 Understand Your Needs
Now that we have an understanding of the theory, let’s use it to understand ourselves a little bit more.
Create Your Time Map: Determine which needs you are trying to satisfy with each of your actions.
Notice Your Needs: Pay attention to which needs get a lot of attention and which are neglected. We will use these later when defining our values.
Identify Time Wasters: Identify activities you engage in that you do not find enjoyable or cause you some sort of emotional or physical pain. What needs are those activities fulfilling?
What are your thoughts on the different needs theories? Do you buy into one more than the others? Please respond directly to this post or reach out on twitter!
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2. Create Your Time Map
Below I’ll show an example of the first step above.
As input data, we’ll use the mind map and the time tracking data we collected in the last newsletter.
As an example, let’s consider the man I was about a year and a half ago.
I was working as an actuary at an insurance company in Madrid. I was managing a team in a foreign language and a new technical specialty. Work was hectic, and it was taking up almost all of my time.
What was I really working for?
Below I break it down. For each reason given, I break out the sub-reasons lying underneath the surface. I follow this all the way down to the base motivations.
For example, I worked for money, societal affirmation, a desire to learn, and a desire to contribute to the world. Money was for food & shelter, status, and travel. So on an so forth.
The money node is fully shown below, while the others are hidden for simplicity.
I liked to think the money I made was for food, shelter, and travel. Yet I was spending less than 40% of my monthly income on all of them combined.
That leaves status. Status enabled socialization and inflating my ego. Essentially I was working overtime in an effort to boost my own ego and potentially have more status in social situations.
Two fairly shallow motivations.
That wasn't my thought process for taking the job. I wanted to work in Spain, learn Spanish, and improve my management skills. These are all related to various growth needs.
Yet once I took the job it turned into more than I had bargained for. It made me terribly unhappy for a while.
This is a textbook example of “the cost achievement” that Seneca cautions against4. The collateral costs for achieving my goals were massive.
Most of us continue in these types of situations for years.
That's why I recommend going through this exercise monthly. It’s a great way to realize when we’re out of balance.
The steps for doing so are listed below.
Write down everything you did today
Ask yourself why you did each thing
Take the response to that initial why question. Why is that important to you?
Take the response in step 3. Why is that important to you? (Repeat until you get to one of Maslow’s needs or arousal management).
Review the underlying motivations. Why are you behaving the way you are?
3. Our Time Understood
In an earlier edition of the newsletter, I outlined the steps to getting your time back.
The first of those steps was to understand how you are currently living. Between this week’s and last week’s newsletter, we did just that.
Considering both the Life Story and the Time Map can yield even more insight.
Next, we’ll move on to planning our time.
4. Dancing With The Tide
The passages above are all quite cerebral.
Yet when we’re managing our desires what we really need to do is go with the flow and lean into both the ups and the downs.
I’ve spent the last week in Mazunte, Mexico.
It is considered one of Mexico’s pueblos magicos, or magic towns. The categorization is fitting, and the spiritual energy in the air is truly palpable.
It’s the type of place that whispers in your ear, “slow down, observe, and just go with the flow.”
On Monday at sunset I did just that.
I went to Playa Mermejita, which is located in a bay on the pacific coastline. The waves are at least a meter high and the undertoe is extremely powerful.
I went into the ocean, right to point where the waves were breaking. As the next wave came I squated under the break, just in time to avoid the washermachine.
Then I popped my head up, remained in a squat position, and shuffled my legs side to side as the tide pulled me in to shore.
My feet barely touched the ground as the ocean moved me easily.
A second or two later the strong undertoe kicked in. I turned towards the horizon and began shuffling out to sea, letting the ocean set the pace.
Soon I found myself back where I started and squating under the next wave, only to start the process over again.
For five minutes I danced with the ocean.
One wave after another, in and out. Synchronizing myself with its movement and going with the flow.
We must do the same in daily life.
There is a time and a place to fulfill each of our desires.
As we become aware of what we need and the many options available to fulfill those needs, we gain the ability to dance with life itself.
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https://alexswanton.substack.com/p/whathaveyoudone
I wrote extensively about Seneca’s On The Shortness of Life in a prior edition of the newsletter.